"..a bardy view!"

Napoleon, Hitler, Stalin and Cheese…..

Dictators. Bless 'em! I've often thought I would make a good one, if only to be exiled to a remote sun-kissed island.

Napoleon, the benchmark for all budding power-mad dictators was responsible for a great deal of inconvenience, but he was not executed.

On the contrary, the consensus was to stick him out of the way where he could be forgotten. Just keep a small military presence to stop him from escaping and help him with his gardening.

Unfortunately, such was the degree of arsenic in the paint on his bedroom wall he slowly got poisoned. An ignominious end, but at least it fuelled the Saint Helena tourist industry for years to come.

Subsequent dictators did not have such consideration, nor indeed such posthumous reverence.

Nappy was hardly a genocidal maniac like Hitler or Stalin, and it would be grossly unfair to place him in the same company, but lets keep it simple. Besides – they all wanted to rule the world!

If Hitler hadn't topped himself he wouldn't have been given Napoleonic exile but hanged along with his cronies at the Nuremberg trials, or possibly imprisoned by the Russians and forever at the whims and fancies of Stalin's moods.

I can imagine a scenario of Joe being bored one evening, glugging his vodka or struggling to digest his borscht. 

"Brink that git up from za dungeons" he would order his bodyguard, "I vont a game of za cheeze!"

Adolph would be dragged kicking and screaming "Bugger off, I don't want to play with that maniac. Gott im himmel!"

"Shut you're mouth dog" the guard would say "else we'll take away the great American movie The Great Escape starring Queen McSteve!"

"Schweinhund" Adolph would reply "I'm sick of that film. When can I have The Longest Day?

"When its been made into a movie, you Nazi turd!"

"Don't speak to me like that, you red pukeface commie. I am the greatest dictator in the world with the best moustache, not like your pathetic leader with the flea-infested dead rat under his nose!"

"Ah! Velcome" says Stalin after Adolph has finally appeared having waxed lyrical with boring renditions of Mein Kampf to the suffering guards. "Ve are going to recreate the Battle of Stalingrad on za cheese board."

"It's a chess board you ignorant bolshie twit" says Adolph.

"Ha! You zink you know efferyfink! I only keep you alive to amuse me!"

"What? If you want amusement why not watch something really funny, like Operation Burma with Errol Flynn?"

"Western propagandist nonsense. Von day I shall rule za world, and your head will be my trophy on za valls of za Kremlin."

"Who do you think you are? Napoleon?" says Adolph.


July 15, 2010 - Posted by | Arts, Education, General, History, Politics | , , , , , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. I was a great fan of Nappy.


    Comment by spook | July 16, 2010 | Reply

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