Bardiness

"..a bardy view!"

Morrisons Organic Baked Beans…..

When I was a child, I would sit on the loo and read the nearest product labels if a picture comic wasn't to hand. So I would learn the unique properties of an unopened bar of soap, or be enthralled by the constituents of a variety of bathroom cleaners like Domestos – which kills 99% of household germs – dead! A teacher once told me that it's the remaining 1% we should worry about, whilst also remarking that killing something dead is very odd English. Still, I do hope that after all these years, they have finally managed to obliterate those stubbern hangers on.

Anyway, in the middle of the night (somewhat hung-over from the Royal Wedding) I found a tin of Morrison's Organic Baked Beans in the kitchen cupboard. Don't worry I didn't take them into the toilet as reading matter – although they have a reputation for aiding bowel movements – no, I just happened to peruse the label on the can, and concluded that that there is as much hilarious reading on it than in the Beano.

The front immediately grabbed me with a serving suggestion of them on a slice of toast. Now, I'm a well travelled man, and have seen tinned baked beans from all over the world, and have yet to find anyone who doesn't know what to do with them.

Next to this image is a logo implying that these beans are organic and approved by the Soil Association. Just next to that is a symbol from the EU Agricultural Department. Although it is green, it doesn't actually say whether it approves or disapproves. I think it says that these beans may, or may not, have been produced in the European Union. Next to that is another symbol which says that this is a vegetarian product. This is priceless information. After all, we don't want to think they are tinned rat kidneys in tomato sauce.

I mention all this because although everyone knows that this is a can of baked beans, yet they have clearly been labeled on the off chance that an alien from outer space has landed and gone shopping.

I'm delighted that these beens are organic, but I would rather know that a chicken was organic, comforted in the knowlege that it had a happy life prior to evisceration. Somehow the thought that I was eating a bean which enjoyed a similar upbringing doesn't quite rattle my cage.

And so to the back of the tin. The ingredients. Apart from the beans there are seventeen others, to name a few – organic tomato puree, organic sugar,organic onion powder, organic rice flower, organic nutmeg, garlic powder, mace and cassia. Seasoning (unspecified) and acidity regulators of citric and malic acid. Throw in the water (I hope its organic  – although on second thoughts I hope not – that would be taking the piss) and it turns out that only half of the can consist of organic haricot beans (54% to be precise). Next comes the nutritional information, followed by cooking instructions.

I know! It's hard work, you only want some beans. After that comes the storage instructions (eat after opening – sound advice), and the notification that the can is made of metal and recyclable. Finally at the bottom is a customer service helpline number, presumably for the extra-terrestials who are clever enough to travel light years, but totally incompetent where baked beans are concerned.

The thing is they didn't tell me how to open the can. Drat!

 

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April 30, 2011 - Posted by | Culture, Education, General, Humour |

3 Comments »

  1. What are normal baked beans then and how does one cook and eat them?

    Like

    Comment by Spook Moor | April 30, 2011 | Reply

  2. Get yourself the tin that opens with a ringholerd at the top. RHODES makes it.

    Like

    Comment by Eastwood Nel | March 4, 2013 | Reply

  3. Thank you Eastwood for that advice. I’m familiar with the ring pull devices you refer to, but they are not an option in this case, and as my post was about an “organic” specific brand there isn’t much I can do about it. I’d forgotten this post – I appreciate being reminded about it, although what possessed me to write it in the first place two years ago, I know not!

    Like

    Comment by Bar De Ness | March 4, 2013 | Reply


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