"..a bardy view!"

Footballers, Choc Ices, and Rectal Dysfuntion….

Choc_ice430x300When I was a kid my father would often tell me that footballers had brains in their feet.

I've learned since that this isn't true. They are actually in the rectum, very close to the orifice they speak from.

I rarely talk about footballers these days, but the recent events as reported here involving "England's finest" both on and off the pitch enforces this view.

The principal players are John Terry, the Ferdinand brothers and Ashley Cole.

Terry was charged with racial abuse to Anton Ferdinand on the pitch. Ashley was called as a character witness. Rio, Anton's brother, is a tweeter of immense intellectual shortfall.

It all stems from alleged seedy nefarious behaviour off the pitch, which involved Terry and a liason with another footballer's WAG (wife and girlfriend).

Anyway, Terry was cleared at Westminster Magistrates' Court of a racially aggravated public order offence (ie calling Anton a f*****g black c**t) although the Football Association are not finished with the matter yet, so this story still has legs. Meanwhile, Rio is peeved that Ashley Cole (a black player and former partner of D-list celeb and ex WAG Cheryl Coleif you're interested) leapt to Terry's defence.

Rio is a tweeter, just like Wayne Rooney and fellow rectum peers, and he responded to a twitter follower, seemingly supporting the suggestion that Cole was a "choc ice".

I must be living in a parallel universe, because I always thought that a choc ice was just an ice cream surrounded by chocolate. Well, in certain circles it means "black on the outside and white on the inside" which it obviously is, but place that in the context of race and ethnicity and it takes on a whole new meaning.

Rio, as demonstrated in my Law of Rectal Dysfunction, has refuelled the matter and far from allowing the FA to just get on with their investigations, has now reignited the firework, which, under normal circumstances would have been defused awaiting examination but now successfully re-lit the blue-touch paper.

Footballers today are no less intelligent than their predecessors. But they think they possess more.  The difference is that they do have more money, more exposure, and through Twitter, more voice, and a much higher delusion of their self-worth. Twitter has allowed us to listen in to thoughts which normally would be confined to close friends and relatives. Yet the phenomena of fame, with thousands of followers have opened the gate to expose the stupidity of people who open their mouths without engaging their brains.

They have agents, but they appear to lack advisors, and one must question what their team managers are doing, because surely a good manager would tell them to keep their mouths shut – else the consequences would be dire.

The problem is that the FA is a dinosaur still trying to have an influence in a new age. Fines of £10,000 or more for bringing the game into disrepute are meaningless to a player earning £100,000 a week. Suspension from a game or three is irrelevant when they are on a contract which ensures reward even when they aren't even on the pitch.

Agents and contract lawyers are clearly an issue, both take a handsome cut, and clubs appear naive at worst, mercenary at best, when exploiting the paying fans who are expected to tolerate the largess and still expected to be there through thick and thin. But that is the mentality of the football fan – it's a tribal thing – it is the one constant in an unstable world, it is the sense of belonging, the unity, the chat, the banter, the camaraderie.

Football clubs know that. Owners know that – even if they have no connection with the game or any sense of the culture, and that's why Russian oligarchs, American entrepreneurs and the new Chinese rich are keen to get a hold.

English national team managers have all been guilty. The FA always suffers a  knee jerk reaction. They try to find the right man, give him a handsome package with a watertight contract, but when things go wrong they end up paying. In recent years there has been a history of bad decisions and wasted money. I don't know when the rot set in, but I can think of a string of ex-England coaches who failed to deliver but walked away with loads of dosh. No problem for them – there's always a club somewhere in the world to employ them.

Is it any wonder then that the new generation of footballers think and act the way they do. After all, they are just footballers. Young men, thrust into the limelight because of a talent at kicking a ball, yet bestowed with wealth unimaginable in their parents or grandparents time.

Does that excuse them? No. I fear that they are so far removed that they actually believe that they are important. That they possess a misguided belief that they matter. We can blame the media for inflating their egos; we can blame the weakness of the FA for allowing them to think they are more important than they actually are. We can blame the clubs for the blindness of paying excessive money for short term profit. We can even blame the fans for loyal blindness.

We can even blame social network sites like Twitter and Facebook whose subscribers follow celebrities to compensate for their own shortcomings and feelings of insecurity and inadequacy.

Above all I blame the ignorance of the players. They shouldn't need advice, they should know what to say and when to say it.

They should maintain a quiet dignity and be grateful that if God didn't give them a gift with their feet, then they would surely be living a different life – a life which would be very unkind to anyone who had brains in the rectum.


July 15, 2012 - Posted by | Culture, Current Affairs, Education, Events, Football, Sport


  1. It really annoys me that these twats think of themselves as demi-gods, and they earn far too much for what they do.
    It really peeves me to see someone like Rooney for example earning more in a week that I do in 10 years of working hard in an office.
    I do believe it’s time to make the football clubs operate more like a regular business. Normal companies can’t just recklessly spend millions they don’t have on staff and equipment, go bust, re-emerge and go do it all again. Players should be played what a club can afford, and there should be a cap on earnings. The top players earn a lot more besides from royalties, so they don’t need those millions from the club do they.
    Just my 2 pennies…


    Comment by Tony Payne | July 15, 2012 | Reply

  2. I’m with you on this one. Then off they go on their luxury holidays without a single degree of humility thinking they performed well in the Euro’s. That is a grand delusion and piss taking of the finest order.


    Comment by Bar De Ness | July 15, 2012 | Reply

  3. I found it a trifle complicated to readed this as um they weren’t not enough of um photos of like fer me um to follow of like innit? It was also like of more than a 100 whatsitsnames.
    Grand read as always and too true.


    Comment by Spook Moor | July 16, 2012 | Reply

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