Camelot….the series….

Just watched Cumalot. I mean Camelot. It's a new series on Channel 4 and a joint Irish-Canadian production. 

It's impossible to take it seriously, and perhaps should be renamed Carry on Campalot.

We're definitely in the dark ages here. The Romans have long departed Britain, and mysteriously left a sword embedded in the middle of a raging waterfall on top of a cliff. But I'll get back to that shortly.

Uther Pendragon has died and Merlin goes off to find his son, who was given up for adoption because he was the result of some hanky panky 20 years earlier.

Uther's daughter thinks she is the rightful heir and gets a shock to discover she has a half-brother. Not as shocked as the viewers, when they discover that Arthur is a bedraggled blond bum-fluffed shirt-blouse looking as if he'd gormlessly wandered off the set of Neighbours – along with the script.

In between the abundant sex, nudity and anachronistic dialogue, Merlin (with full designer stubble) convinces young Arthur that he will become a great king of the Britons and unify the realm.

Off trots Arthur up the cliff to get the Sword of Mars. Presumably this is Excalibur, but it could equally be Wilkinson, and having made a pigs arse of reaching the top and figuring out how to pull it out, fails to realise that by doing so he has nothing to hang on to, and subsequently plummets back down into the lake below, almost killing himself.

Of course we know he will be fine, otherwise that would be the end the story. It was too much to hope for. Meanwhile his half-sister Morgan is going rumpy-pumpy with her father's enemy King Lot (more designer stubble), an uncouth brute, deviously planning how to dispose of the young upstart. He's especially peeved because Arthur killed his son a few scenes earlier. That's right. He lanced Lot junior (sorry, couldn't resist)!

Arthur eventually recovers having realised he still has some more acting to do, and gets crowned. At the disco afterwards where the guests look like extras from Saturday knight Fever, he ambles up to a peroxide blond bint called Guinevere and drops his chat-up line. It wasn't "do you come here often", more like "aren't you the bird who I saw on the beach earlier when I was having an erotic dream?".

I'm sure I heard the BeeGees in the background but I was more concerned that Arthur might start tweeting on his smart phone – "OMG Wicked!" Anyway, there weren't any bouncers on the castle doors, because King Lot and his merry men had gatecrashed the party – cue big fight.

Lot got dispatched by Arthur's adopted father (the fine actor Sean Pertwee) who in the process was also killed. The relief on his face as he lay dying was almost euphoric "thank god I'm not in any more of this drivel" he seemed to imply.  Merlin was his usual sly smugness and at some point realised that Morgan had some supernatural aura about her. She's going to be trouble that one!

So off she goes into the forest and meets a drooling wolf (a real one) and decides to take her clothes off (again). Why? Who knows? Who cares! Any excuse for titillation.

Can't wait for next week!